December 4th, 2012 was supposed to be one of the
very best days of our lives, instead it was one of the worst.
We went in
to the doctors to find out what gender our miracle babies would be. Bill really
wanted at least one boy, he was so scared of being over protective of a little
girl, let alone two. There they both were, as perfect as perfect could be,
beautiful hearts, perfectly formed spines, bones, lungs and brains. We were so
so proud. Then she told us Baby A was a boy! Baby B was a girl! It was everything
I could have ever hoped and dreamed for.
Bill and I were SO excited! Then the u/s tech decided to do an internal
to just put mine and the doctors mind at ease and check my cervix. It was
measuring at .75cm, a “normal” cervix should be over 3cm long at that point in
pregnancy. I was instructed to go
immediately to the hospital to L&D.
When we got to the hospital I was
put on a stretcher in triage flat on my back for 4 hours until they found a bed
to move me to. I prayed and prayed and prayed the whole time I was there, and
all through the night. When I finally was moved to my room they put me on the
bed in trendelenburg position, my feet were raised up above my head to decrease
pressure on my cervix. Bill and I really got to a new place in our marriage since
I needed him to help me use a bed pan throughout the night. The next morning we
were visited by the most horrible high risk OB (MFM), he suggested we
terminate, that was SO not an option for us, he said he would not do a cerclage
b/c my cervix was too far gone. We went down for an ultra sound to see if there
was any change. The ultra sound tech took to many measurements of Josh and Zoe,
she kept saying how perfect they were growing, I just laid there sobbing. Our OB came in and watched some of the ultrasound,
he asked by I was crying. I told him “Because they are absolutely perfect and
we aren’t going to get to keep them”. My cervix had now shrunk to .35cm a
pessary was suggested along with progesterone. It was our only hope. We did
both and stayed in the hospital on bed rest until Saturday afternoon.
I was so happy to be home and in my
own bed, but I got up to use the bathroom and felt like I was leaking. The OB
on call told me to come in to the hospital. They checked my cervix and said it
looked like I was dilated a little, they took a swab and went to check to see
if the liquid was in fact my water. When two doctors and the nurse came back,
we knew that was it, my water had broken and there was nothing more we could
do. Bill and I clung to each other and sobbed. Why after all we had been
through to get pregnant with our miracles did this have to be happening to us.
We both would have given anything to keep our precious angels.
They brought us back to a L&D
room, We just sat on the couch and cried for a few hours until my contractions
picked up. I love my babies so much, and my body was failing them. My nurse told me she had been through this
three times herself. She said she has three angels in heaven and four kids on
earth. Having her with me was such a blessing. She got my IV in on the first
shot, and offered me pain meds or an epi, which I declined. I tried to watch
SNL to take my mind off of what my body was doing. The OB came in and placed a
med called Miso internally, though she said I probably didn’t need it, I was
dilating with a bulging bag of water. I was contracting every 2 minutes, strong
contractions, the kind that make your body shake. Bill was right there with me
holding my hand, telling me how strong I was. The nurse went to get a few things
and told me to call her with any pressure or any changes, a few minutes later
my water broke. I called the nurse and she came running to the room and called
the OBs. By the time the OBs got there it was time for me to push, I just laid
there yelling “NO NO NO NO my baby my baby whhhhyyyyy” The pain was bad only
for a moment, I was just so upset to be pushing out my baby, when he needed to
be in me so much longer. Baby Joshua David was born at 1:30am (only 45 min
after getting the miso) Dec 9th 10oz 11inches. He was so handsome,
he has his mommy’s nose and lips and daddy’s eyes and flat feet. Zoe Faith was
born along with Joshua’s placenta at 1:38am Dec 9th 9oz 10inches.
She was moving her perfect arms and legs just too early for her to breathe on
her own. She also had her mommy’s nose and chin, and daddy’s pouty lips. I
soaked the OB sitting at the foot of my bed when Zoe’s water broke. It took an
hour and two more tablets of miso, which they told me needed to be placed
rectally, I said “Uhh no thank you”, for Zoe’s placenta to come, they were
setting up an OR for a D&C I am so lucky I didn’t need one. I ate a little
and got up to use the bathroom around 4am with the nurses help. I passed out in
a wheel chair for about 3 minutes. Bill said it was one of the scariest things
he has had to witness. I woke up on the bed where they let me sleep until
around 8 the next morning. numerous social workers came in to talk to us about
funeral arrangements, I was so numb. We were finally discharged around 4pm
Sunday, lonely and heartbroken.
Joshua and Zoe’s middle names have
significance. Joshua’s middle name is David because in the story of David in
goliath in the Bible, David has to have strength and trust in God to overcome a
scary and difficult ordeal of fighting goliath. Our little angels had to face a
scary and difficult time as they went to heaven, we as parents need to have the
same faith and strength as David to get through this. Zoe’s Middle name, Faith,
is because we need to have faith in God that he will see us through this pain,
we need to believe through faith that our perfect little babies are in heaven
being cradled by God and we need to have faith that one day Zoe and Joshua will
have siblings to watch over here on earth.
We are so blessed with amount of support we have had these past few
weeks, the number of prayers for peace, and comfort in this pain has helped us
through.
