Thursday, August 13, 2015

Just for an instant...

Hello all!

A little update for you, when we last left off I had a beautiful blastocyst transferred and we were amidst the dreaded two week wait to see if it implanted and if I was pregnant or not.

I started out this wait suuuuper cocky. A blast, of COURSE this is it, we have never had one this advanced! I was so cocky I tested at 2dp5dt (2 days past 5 day transfer) in other words, I should seek some sort of psychiatric Clearly, it was negative, that poor little nugget didnt even have a chance to check out its surroundings yet! So I tested again at 6dp5dt (6 days past 5 day transfer, also could be called 11 days past ovulation) 2 perfect lines showed up. POSITIVE!! One more faint than the other, as it was so early. Two days later, I took a digital test "Pregnant" showed up on the screen! What a beautiful word! Our family would be growing! A sibling for Colin!

The next day (tuesday) I started bleeding, Thursday was my blood test, still more bleeding, I knew it wasn't good, deep down I hoped it wasn't so. My Beta (blood test) came back at 52, I was pregnant, but juuuuust barely (50 is considered positive). Repeat beta in 2 days - beta 2 came back at 62. The numbers were growing, but not doubling as they should be every 48 hours. People told me "stranger things have happened" I read story after story on "Dr. Google" about low betas. I tried to have hope. But really I was pissed. I knew it was over, why couldn't my body even miscarry correctly?! Two days later beta 3 came back at 6.5. At least I had an answer, I had officially miscarried, or had a "chemical pregnancy". You would think this would be the end to the maddness, nope, my numbers need to be >1 so beta 4 happened 2 days after that it came in at 1.2. For real, so beta number FIVE will be coming. You should see my arms and hands, its not pretty.

People have asked if I'm ok, honestly, I was sad and pissed for a few days, but after having lost Josh and Zoe, this loss, though sad, was sort of put into perspective by my past. I'm just ready to keep going.

#realtalk #pityparty  I'm so friggin over this. Sorry, I will do what I need to do to have a sibling for Colin, but good gracious, can I catch a break ONE time. When we had our transfer I told Bill "this isn't going to work, it was too easy, everything went too smoothly". Man I hate it that I'm always right ;)

So what now?
On the 17th I go in to see my RE for what we in the infertility world call the WTF appointment, as in wtf went wrong and wtf are we going to do about it. This is also when I will have beta #5. We will be signing consent to have a frozen embryo transfer (FET). We have one embryo frozen waiting for us. Here is how this works (the short version) 2 weeks of suppression (so I dont ovulate), blood work and ultrasound, 3 days of progesterone (possibly intermuscular shots in my hip/bottom) then a transfer. All things considered, it's an easy cycle. However we could do all this prep work and show up for transfer and the embryo could have not survived the thaw. In which case we would have nothing to transfer and just wait to move on to another fresh cycle. We will just continue to say our prayers! For now we will call our little snowflake Olaf

Send some love our way, and we will continue to keep you posted <3 

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